This has to be the most depressing school year ever.

I told the guy that I liked how I felt a couple of days ago. And of course I got a reply that really answered nothing. He said he was flattered and that he’s glad I told him. I don’t know how I’m supposed to interpret that. We still text each other everyday but we haven’t really discussed the matter since that night. Just my luck … .

I went through my whole life last night in search of what was the root to how I’m feeling right now. The sad thing is, my childhood was far from normal, even though my family would have me believe otherwise. From the age of 4 I watched my parents physically fight, I watched a woman destroy my dad’s car while pulling out a knife on him. I had to endure the bullying that comes in school, the struggles of moving from place to place, grandparent to parent and vice versa. I had to fight my “homosexual” tendencies and I often tried by appearing like a normal boy which shed light on how I feel about homosexuality. It explains why I’m so held back when it comes to my feelings. And even though all of this was going on, I still had the pressure put upon me by my family to be the best at everything because my family accepted nothing less. Now I’m more insecure than ever even though it seems that I’m not. I have to make myself feel better by bringing down others not knowing their situations. I’m not blaming my family or the way I was raised for my behavior, it just kind of gave me some reasons for it. I am my own person and I take full responsibility for my failures and achievements. It just saddens me to know that there was so much more planned for me and the fact that none of it got accomplished this year, saddens me beyond anything else.